I looked around and saw my playbill on the ground and grabbed it before it could get away from me again. Luckily I remembered the way back to the theater and ran as fast as my chicken legs could take me. I found Kerry and Vince by our limo.
“What happened to your neck?” was the first words out of Vince’s big mouth. We were getting into the limo when I noticed that my neck hurt really bad too. I pulled my compact out of my purse and looked at my neck. It was bruised and red all over.
“I fell down when I was trying to pick up my playbill.” I put the mirror away trying not to remember why my neck was this way. I slid into the exceedingly expensive, sleek black limo that Kerry and Vince just had to have. The smell of leather and Vince’s zillion dollar cologne filled my nose and just added to my pounding headache. I was trying so hard not to puke my guts out on the way back to our house. I was so relieved to see the familiar gates to our house come into view. As soon as the limo stopped in front of our house, I flung the car door open, forgetting my playbill, and ran to the door of our house, (okay, I know it’s a mansion, but I like calling it my house) but it was too late. I vomited all over our porch. The door opened and a very surprised looking Mandy, our house maid, rushed over to me and held my hair back as I finished getting rid of my lunch. I wiped my mouth and stood up straight to meet Mandy’s eyes. Kerry and Vince were deep in conversation as they walked into the house. They hadn’t even notice me puking on their porch.
“Don’t mind them,” Mandy said, leading me into the house. I was lucky to have Mandy. Kerry and Vince adopted me when I was an infant. I never really knew my real parents. As long as I could remember, it has always been Kerry, Vince, Mandy, and an ever changing house staff. I said goodnight to Mandy and climbed the giant staircase up to my room. I collapsed onto my bed and almost fell asleep, but my cell phone rang. It was on my night table so I answered it.
“Hello?” Jeez, I sounded half dead.
“Quinn! How was the play?” It was Aden, my neighbor and only friend. I immediately decided not to tell him what happened in the alley. He would think it was way too weird. It happened to me and I still couldn’t believe what happened.
“Totally boring! Listen, I’m beat. I’ll tell you all about it tomorrow.” Before Aden could say anything else, I hung up on him.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
I thought it was pretty good, or at least better than the first part. There are still quite a few mistakes, though.
"were the first..."Add a comma between "away" and "trying".
It seems a little childish to say "zillion dollar". Saying "expensive" might sound more appropriate to the story.
This is a fragment. You could say "I was trying so hard not to puke my guts out on the way back to our house that I didn't even notice the conversation going on next to me".
Another fragment. You could just remove the word "so" in order to fix it.
"Hello?" I answered, sounding half dead" might sound less informal.
You used the word "happened" twice.
It sounds fairly informal, which makes it fairly realistic in the dialogue, but apart from that it makes it harder to read. It would also be nice to have more dialogue in it as well. Other than that, it's pretty good, though.